(You're right, that headline is misleading. We all know Tyra's been
mad for ages. But keep reading anyway, because I think she's getting
worse!)
After cycle 16,
Tyra Banks promised (threatened?) that there
would be
no
more "normal" cycles of
America's Next Top Model, which is
certainly true of the current crazy-bananas marketing-focused All-Star
cycle 17.
And now it sounds as though Tyra is determined keep
that promise -- essentially, that
ANTM would become its own
spin-off through a series of outlandish themed seasons until it gets
canceled or Tyra gets airlifted back to her home planet -- and her
rumored cycle 18 theme is even more outlandish than I could have
imagined: "US vs. UK."
That is, seven American models will
compete against seven British models for the title of ...
America's
...
The English-Speaking World's Next Top Model?
No,
they're not changing the name of the show. As far as I know, anyway.
But the way the cycle 18 concept so clearly contradicts the name of the
show (sort of like how this cycle keeps telling us that
it isn't
about
modeling) shows that we are in for another cycle of unabashed, balls to
the wall not-making-sense.
(It occurs to me, with cycle 17 contradicting the "Model" and cycle 18
defying the "America's," that maybe Tyra is just going through every
word in the title of her show and coming up with crazy themes that way.
What's next? A cycle about the best model ...
from the past? Or
our nation's up-and-coming
worst model? Then again, maybe Tyra
just wanted a full-season excuse to speak in her terrible British
accent. The machinations of that woman's mind will always be a mystery.)
Of
course, I'm just poking fun, and it's not much of a stretch to figure
out how a Yanks vs. Brits cycle would work, especially on a show that
has already established that accurately depicting the fashion industry
is not its top priority. Throw together a few country-cliche-based photo
shoots and challenges (Baseball vs. soccer! Tea vs. Redbull! WHO
REALLY
OWNS HUGH LAURIE?), encourage the American girls to mock the
British girls' teeth and the British girls to call the American girls
lazy, and you've got yourself a full season of Old World/New World
reality TV gold. The fun part is going to be watching Tyra and her
minions try to convince us, and the models, that this farce holds any
lasting lessons about the actual modeling world.
To that end,
these
notes from an "insider" show that cycle 18's top secret opening
"Fierce Parade and Fashion Show" was appropriately patriotic and
preposterous, while still pretending to be all about modeling:
"According to the insider, attendees of the event were encouraged
to wear red, white and blue or stars and stripes to the show at the
Hard Rock Cafe in Los Angeles. The stage in the venue formed a V with
two runways jutting out from the stage to a center point. At the
sides were two large floats; One with the Statue of Liberty and the
other with Big Ben."
"Nigel Barker rolled up in a Mini Cooper
convertible that was painted as a Union Jack.red and gold Ford
Mustang."
"Next came the float with Big Ben carrying seven British models,
followed by the float with the Statue of Liberty, the American models
and a bunch of shirtless guys with American flags and white flags
that said Miss J. pulled up in a
America's Next Top Model."
"The
UK girls were wearing red with gold, blue, silver accents and the US
girls wore blue in different pseudo-patriotic colors.
After the reveal, Michael Buffer (the "Let's get ready to rumble!"
guy) announced the girls by name, height and the city they come from
like they were entering a boxing match. Each girl was encouraged to
taunt the other "team" with antagonizing statements. Then they faced off
in a runway "fight" taking turns making passes down the runway and
fighting for a spotlight at the end."
Nevermind that
Britain's
Next Top Model has been around for seven seasons. Or that lots of
international girls have competed on
ANTM over the years. Or that
when your main job is to stay quiet and look pretty,
it doesn't
really matter what your accent sounds like. Because the important
thing is that cycle 18 will finally answer a series of questions that no
one asked (because they are stupid):
What if the Revolutionary War
was fought by young lithe women instead of young sturdy men? And instead
of independence, they were fighting over who was the prettiest? And
instead of shooting guns, they shot steely glares at each other?
I
guess we'll find out when cycle 18 airs next year. And I, for one,
will
find out, because there's no way I'm missing this international
catastrophe. But, my fellow Americans, don't get your hopes too high
that history will repeat itself. Even though we won that old war, our
anonymous fashion show "insider" sends troubling news from the front:
"The
British girls were much more impressive than their American
counterparts."
